every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
