She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
