fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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