not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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