I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
