I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
