We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
