In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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