i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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