Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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