I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
