I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
