If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
