Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
