sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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