Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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