How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
how drunk are you?
Several
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
