I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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