she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
