Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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