I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
