Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
