Someone shit on the floor
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
