Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I understand Curling. That high.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
