We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
