You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
