party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
