You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
