ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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