he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
