Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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