I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
