We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
