Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
