i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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