About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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