your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
