covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
