Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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