Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
