Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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