I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
