I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
