i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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