We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
