i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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