I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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