Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
