she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
