im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You left your phone here
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