She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
